je ne regrette rien

je ne regrette rien

Sunday, July 12, 2020

I want to start by saying that I loved you so much. Being with you has been one of the greatest adventures of my life and I will always hold you in my heart.

I’m sorry that things didn’t work out the way we wanted them to. We both tried our best, but at the end of the day, trust was broken and there really wasn’t much we could do. I hope you know that despite everything, I don’t regret being with you, nor do I regret giving you a second chance after what you did. 

I know you meant it when you said you were sorry and I know you tried your best to make things right. I truly appreciate your effort. I am so honored to have been a part of your life at all. You gave me so much even when you had little to give. You were patient and kind and never stopped trying to make me happy. You’ve taught me to be a better, more understanding, and more open-minded person. You gave me a love that I will always remember and for that, I am eternally grateful. 

I know I wasn’t always easy to be with. I have a tendency to get emotionally jealous and insecure, but you stuck with me anyway. I’m sorry if I ever did anything to hurt you or make you believe that I didn’t love you with everything I had. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me and I’m sorry if I wasn’t always the best at showing it. Maybe that’s why you did what you did. You must have suffered some sort of discontent or else you wouldn’t have felt it necessary to cheat.

I shared my family, my friends, and my home with you. I shared my whole self with you. I let you see me when I was vulnerable and scared and I let my walls down for you. Still, you chose someone else over me. I wanted so badly to be angry with you because I thought it would make it easier for me to leave, but in all honesty, I’m not angry. Although, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt. You hurt me in a way I would never want anyone else to experience. But I forgive you. And I will always care about you. However, I will always have it in the back of my mind that I was not good enough, and I sincerely hope that one day you will find someone who is.

As much as I would love to work things out, I could never subject you to a life with someone you are not fully content with. You deserve to be with someone you can choose everyday–not just when things are easy. You deserve to be with someone you can be honest with when you have a problem instead of seeking comfort in someone else. Clearly, I am not that person.

And I’m sure you can understand that I deserve better, too. I deserve someone who will fight for me. Someone who will choose me and be loyal to me regardless of the hardships we may face in our relationship. I deserve to have peace of mind in knowing that my partner will not betray my trust. Thinking about a future without you absolutely breaks my heart. We’ve been through so much together. Zero to 100, we used to say.

Through the ups and downs and everything in between. Seeing you when you had nothing and being there through all your victories showed me what an incredibly hard-working individual you are and I am so proud of how far you’ve come. Still, it hurts knowing that I will not be around to share in your success. It hurts knowing that someone else will be there pushing you forward and helping you along the way. But everyone who enters your life has a purpose in it and I guess I must have already served mine.

So for now, I think I need to let you go. You have such big things ahead of you and I know you will get far. It’s not fair for me to hold you here while I try to figure out what I need. I know you can’t be my friend for obvious reasons, and though it hurts me to not have you around, I need to respect the fact that you need time and space. Maybe I do, too. Again, I want you to know that I am not angry or bitter. I still love you very much and I am so thankful for all of our little adventures. I hope that one day we can come to a point where neither of us is hurting and we can truly be friends.

Until then, I wish you the best. You’re in my heart.

on drafts

on drafts

Monday, July 6, 2020

To that one guy that I loved truly, madly, and dearly. To that guy whom I sacrificed a lot. This one is for you.

I treated you like a King.

I loved you so much. Binigay ko lahat lahat sa’yo. Panahon, tiwala, oras, pagmamahal, pagkalinga. I have been everything you want and need. I tried and made sure that you would open your eyes with a smile, and close them with relief and happiness because I am here and I will do everything for you. Every single time that you need something, I make sure that I will do my all to give it to you. When you’re tired, even if I am equally as tired, I will do my best to relieve your stress. When you’re sick, I made sure that I was there to take care of you. Inalagaan at minahal kita ng buong puso. 

I accepted every bit of you.

Tinanggap kita at ang buong pagkatao mo- mabuti man o masama. You told me you’re a mess and I accepted you wholeheartedly. I tried to fix you. But in the manner of fixing you, I wasn’t aware that I was breaking myself already. We had fights, a lot of them. But every time you screamed at me, I tried to understand. During every fight, I tried to look at the good in all of the bad. I fought for you- for us.

You treated me like a Princess.

You showed me that you really do love me. That everything was real. You showed me that I was the only one. You showed me what effort is like. You also sacrificed your time and effort for me. You did everything to make me feel special.

We were the same. The only difference is that I didn’t lie.

And this what hurts more. Hindi ko lubusang maisip na magagawa mo ‘yon sakin. Hindi ko lubos maisip na kaya mo akong lokohin at pagtaksilan. Hindi ko lubos maisip na kaya mong gawin ang bagay na ‘yon. I forgot that you were so good with words. Na lahat kaya mong kunin at paniwalain sa mga matatamis mong salita. Na lahat kayang kaya mong paikutin ang mga bagay sa kamay mo gamit ang mga mabubulaklak mong mga salita. You know exactly about my past and you made sure you would do the same.

I was broken. Lost. Wrecked. 

It was so sudden. I was so blindsided, taken by surprise. One day,  you were so sweet. You were telling the whole world that you love me, of how I make your mornings extra better, of how I was your stronghold, your anchor. Then the day after that, I found out that you were again seeing the same girl who caused all the troubles our relationship had. 

Of course, I am not fine. I am not even close to being fine. I am far from being all right. Every time I remember everything that we have been through, all the times you were so sweet to me, all the times you made me feel so valuable, I can’t help but think. But I realized that I can’t force this to last. I can’t force consistency, loyalty, or even honesty. I can’t force you to keep your word and your promises or to communicate. I can’t force you to realize that something special is right in front of you.

I want you to be happy.

Ngunit kahit ganoon ang nangyari, I still want you to be happy. And if it’s not with me, even if how hard it is, that is fine. Because you are the only person I have loved more than enough to put before myself. Seeing you happy, makes me happy, and that is what real love is, right?