curtain call

Thursday, October 19, 2023

 

I've been staring blankly at the blinking cursor without knowing what to write. I feel like writing today, like what I would normally do to dump everything that’s going on in my head. But for the life of me, I didn’t know where to start. 

Today, I noticed that I had too much coffee than usual. Four cups to be exact. I guess, the myriad amount of coffee I consumed got me thinking again. 

For the first week of not communicating with him (aside from the day I paid my share of bills), I realized that if we stayed like this in the coming weeks, it would help a lot. Detaching myself within his reach helped me think clearly. 

He was not the one for me.. so am I.

We’re not meant for each other forever. Because if it is, it would feel right. If it is, it wouldn't hurt this much. If it is, there will always be respect. If it is, he will never have the urge to look into other girls. He will always be sweeter to me than the rest, he will always be proud to mention my name, and he will always be willing to let the world know how happy he is with me. He will always be proud of me and share what's good about me, especially when I'm not around.

It still hurts. Like my heart is enveloped in a sheet covered with thorns. 

I’ve thought about this carefully today and know that it won’t work anymore even if we try again. After what I witnessed, I will never be the same again. I’ll become the worst version of myself. I will check on his phone, and their messages, monitor everything, and be mad about anything related to that. 

And that’s gonna hurt a thousandfold...

Would I still be willing to love again?

Yes. But I’m not gonna look anymore. I wanna heal peacefully. I wanna save what’s left of me. I no longer want to waste years with someone who does not respect me. I no longer want to share my life with someone who can speak ill about me but can neither write a letter nor say anything good.

The better next deserves the better me. And that's in the works right now. 

So whatever your plans are, get on with it.

As I bid farewell for the last three years of knowing you - thank you.

It has been a good ride. 

Good luck.

facet and mindset

Friday, October 13, 2023


What's good, blog? It's been a while. But here's a quick photo of me minding my own business.

I honestly don't look fabulous here but who cares?
At least I managed to pose like I'm really working LOL

So let me introduce myself again and share y'all fun random facts about me:
  • I love mornings. I'm just not a "waking up person".
  • I basically have 3 hairstyles - straight, wavy, and homeless.
  • I still use pinky promises as a legitimate foundation of trust.
  • How to kidnap me? Free iced coffee ☕
  • My mind is like my internet browser. 17 tabs open, 3 of them are frozen and I have no idea where the music is coming from. 
  • I never met a sunset I didn't like. 
  • I like listening to the "sleepydaze" playlist on Spotify to keep the juice flowin' whilst on shift.
  • I'll be your slave over a pint of coffee crumble ice cream for a week.
  • I draw, doodle, or write when I'm about to cry or when it's not necessary to weep. Just to keep myself distracted. And productive. Yeah, *sniffles*
  • But I also do the same when I'm happy so I'm weird like that.
  • I have a green birthmark on my right shoulder where most people would think it's a bruise but it's not so don't worry about me. I'm okay. And if you look closer it looks like a slice of banana. Dun daw ako pinaglihi. 
  • If you offer me gummy bears, I'll only eat the red ones. 
  • I love past eras and French aesthetics.
  • I follow Satan and God on Twitter. HAHAHA
  • Lately, I've just been allowing myself to take things slowly and try to do things I've been meaning to tick off my list.
  • Also, not to brag - but it’s been 3 days since I’ve been on a meal plan - hoping that it will help me shed fats soon.
To the people on the other side of the world, in case no one has told you yet, you probably might need to hear this. Sometimes it's just better to let things be, let people go, not fight for closure, not ask for explanations, don't chase for answers && don't expect people to understand where you're coming from. You got to keep fighting for you because no one got you like you got yourself.

TBH, I was never good at math but one thing I'm absolutely sure about is that when shits don't add up, subtract yourself.

Hope you’re well. Thanks for your time.

Good stuff,
Cris ✨
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