detachment

detachment

Wednesday, May 8, 2024

Oh wow - hi again. I love that I’m starting to be active here in my lovely abode of thoughts. Well, today is a holiday in Berlin so my client sent a message that I can take a day off. Until tomorrow. Yay! Now that I’m awake, had my daily dose of caffeine, and am done with my skincare - let me share something that I’ve randomly thought about while having my brunch earlier. 

The word that popped up in my head was detachment. So random, right? 

In the last quarter of 2023, I can define that part of my life as detachment. I’ve been a people pleaser since birth. Afraid to hurt anyone, to disappoint, and to detach from them. It’s hard when you know that’s part of your personality. As you age, you’ll realize that these are some traits that we have control over. It’s just a matter of reflection, acceptance, and taking action. 

So, what exactly is the “law of detachment”?

I used to think that detachment was the same as being apathetic or emotionally indifferent like having a blah attitude towards life where you’re just like yeah, whatever I don’t care what happens to me or my career or relationship. But now I’ve learned that actual detachment is releasing our desire for specific outcomes. It’s not needing for things to turn out in a certain way but at the same time, you’re still working towards and having a stake in that relationship or that career or that life outcome.

It’s a balancing act of caring enough to work hard towards that goal while still not caring too much and being overly invested to the point where it leads to self-sabotaging behavior. When we care a little too much, it puts a lot of pressure on us to achieve that outcome and often this causes us to overthink and make irrational decisions which then ironically stops us from achieving the result we want. 

Detachment is being able to accept whatever happens good or bad for what it is and trusting that you’ll be okay no matter the outcome. You won’t be completely ruined and devastated if things don’t turn out the way you want to. Detachment sounds like “this relationship didn’t work out and I mean, we tried our best but maybe it was never meant to be and always meant to come to an end and I’ll be okay”. Or it could sound like “I did prepare for this job interview. But I guess I didn’t prepare enough. I’ll try again next time”. 

Now you might be thinking, “Why is this important”?

I’ve come to realize that being able to detach is probably one of the greatest life skills that you can have which is why it’s something that I want to work on this year. Holding on to an idea just because you’ve come attached to it creates a lot of anxiety. It makes us obsessed over needing things to be a certain way and if it doesn’t turn out that way then it causes us a lot of pain. Attachment is all about trying to gain a sense of control over the situation but the thing is, control is an illusion because most things are out of our control.

The moment we release the need for control - to control our partners to behave exactly the way we want them to and for that project to perform the way we predicted and for our fitness journey to go exactly according to plan with zero hiccups then that’s when we can set ourselves free from this pain and that opens up more space for love in our relationships, creativity in our projects, and also real progress in our fitness journey. 

So, how do we actually detach?

Detachment can be applied to pretty much every scenario and area of life. I can only speak from my own experience so that’s what I’m going to use as an example. I mentioned the last quarter of 2023 - that’s detachment in the relationship. Here it goes. 

I was attached to the idea of this future that we were going to have because our trajectories were so aligned and it all seemed so perfect in theory anyway. That ideal future image clouded my judgment of the reality of what the relationship was actually like in the present. The reality was I just felt anxious all of the time and I didn’t feel very supported or cared for. Overall I just felt unhappy but ignored all of that and I stayed a lot longer than I should have because I was so attached to the idea of this perfect future.

I kept thinking to myself like man, this really needs to work out because otherwise, the plan is going to fall apart. Looking back if I had just been able to detach from this dream life that I had envisioned for the both of us (yknow, eventually buying our own house and getting married and traveling together) I would have realized a lot sooner that I didn’t need this person to materialize that dream life. That I was more than capable of working towards it on my own. Once I realized that, it gave me the strength to finally walk away (like finally) from something that wasn’t right for me. 

Detaching has helped me so damn much. My life feels way less stressful these days because I don’t give AF as much as I used to. For me, life is short and precious. I wanna use my limited time living my life and not be boxed in by people’s perceptions based on their view of life. Hell, many folks ain’t even happy with their own lives, so why TF would I give that energy my attention!? 

With that, I’ll just leave this video here.

“Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose” - Master Yoda

in-between

in-between

Monday, May 6, 2024

 

Hi. It’s been a long time since I wrote something about my thoughts. I haven’t been able to get a grip of it - I’m like floating in outer space. Empty. Silent.

I can’t say that I’m sad. I can’t even also say that I’m happy. If there’s an in-between then that’s probably where I’m at. I also feel like my days have come in and out lately. Like during the pandemic. The only difference is that now it’s my choice not to go outside and I use the weather as an excuse for myself tbh. I have the resources, the reason - I just don’t feel like seeing people around. Or buy me a cute tee. Or take myself to a nice cafe for a cup of hot Spanish latte... 

I’m stuck in the in-between and I don’t know how else I can remove myself from here. One day I want to be in a relationship again, the next day I don’t. I’m confused and alone, and this silence has been bringing so much comfort I don’t want anyone to ruin it. For the last 17 years of my life, this has been the longest time that I’ve been single. And I’m afraid I am enjoying this peaceful, solitary, mundane life. 

I might stay here for a little bit more. Just enjoying my little world with no insecurities. No doubts. No pressure. No fear. I have planned things, but for the life of me, I don’t have the energy to be out there and do the things on my list. 

I hope that in the coming days, I won’t feel this lethargic anymore. I hate it to be honest - I feel like I’m wasting too much time for being stuck in this rut. Is this a transformation? Idk. After all, we can only hope.