curtain call

 

I've been staring blankly at the blinking cursor without knowing what to write. I feel like writing today, like what I would normally do to dump everything that’s going on in my head. But for the life of me, I didn’t know where to start. 

Today, I noticed that I had too much coffee than usual. Four cups to be exact. I guess, the myriad amount of coffee I consumed got me thinking again. 

For the first week of not communicating with him (aside from the day I paid my share of bills), I realized that if we stayed like this in the coming weeks, it would help a lot. Detaching myself within his reach helped me think clearly. 

He was not the one for me.. so am I.

We’re not meant for each other forever. Because if it is, it would feel right. If it is, it wouldn't hurt this much. If it is, there will always be respect. If it is, he will never have the urge to look into other girls. He will always be sweeter to me than the rest, he will always be proud to mention my name, and he will always be willing to let the world know how happy he is with me. He will always be proud of me and share what's good about me, especially when I'm not around.

It still hurts. Like my heart is enveloped in a sheet covered with thorns. 

I’ve thought about this carefully today and know that it won’t work anymore even if we try again. After what I witnessed, I will never be the same again. I’ll become the worst version of myself. I will check on his phone, and their messages, monitor everything, and be mad about anything related to that. 

And that’s gonna hurt a thousandfold...

Would I still be willing to love again?

Yes. But I’m not gonna look anymore. I wanna heal peacefully. I wanna save what’s left of me. I no longer want to waste years with someone who does not respect me. I no longer want to share my life with someone who can speak ill about me but can neither write a letter nor say anything good.

The better next deserves the better me. And that's in the works right now. 

So whatever your plans are, get on with it.

As I bid farewell for the last three years of knowing you - thank you.

It has been a good ride. 

Good luck.